This past week has worn me down a little bit. It all started with several long days working on a roof that is now almost a year past the hurricane that let the rain pour inside our house. When that work was complete, I jumped down from the roof to run out of town and after just a few days of living off caffeine and crap food... long drives with little sleep... I was slangry (sleepy angry) when I slid sideways into the driveway on Monday night. When I walked in the door, my wife was caught off guard by my level of irritation. I was tired. Really tired. The sad thing is... it reminded her of someone she used to know.
There once was a me my friends of today might not recognize. I traveled a lot and was almost always tired. Departing flights on Sundays took me to New York... San Francisco... and pretty much everywhere in between. Returning flights on Thursdays would get me home by Friday about seventy five percent of the time, but those transits almost always included delays which resulted in mad dashes from the outer edges of large airports. When I would finally make it home, I was there... but I wasn't. I still had deadlines. I still had work that was due. I had follow-up from the previous week while I was preparing for the next one. Needless to say... I used to slide in sideways a lot. I was slangry... A LOT. So when this person showed up again on Monday night, after a very long hiatus, it caught us both off guard. I haven't been that person in a really long time.
I used to live off a steady diet of caffeine and crap food. I try not to do that anymore. I used to spend my days... many days... away from my home and the people I love. I try not to be apart from them anymore, either. I know who I can be when I get caught up in the work and in the world of trying to get ahead (whatever that really even means any more). If you read my post from yesterday, then I have to tell you my job that required extensive travel was one of the things I had to choose to burn so that my life wouldn't go up in flames. I used to think I was a good person who was working to provide for the people I loved but the truth is... I was selfish when it came to the important things and I left my wife alone to deal with much of what happened at home. It used to tear me up when she would refer to herself as operating as a single mom but the truth is... it was true. I was absent. A LOT. So she had to learn to function without me.
This may be a little too transparent for some people, but if you've only known me for the past several years, you might not know about the work God has done in my life. Even if you did know me then, you probably didn't know these things about me. I got pretty good at hiding my hard stuff from the outside world. I'm telling you this now, though, because I'm guessing... maybe... you've been there too. If so, I'm sharing this as a warning and an urging to "keep your heart with all diligence"... guard it closely because the old you might make a cameo appearance if you have a little too much caffeine and crap food... the diet of the things that used to keep you going.
Maybe you're there right now.... caught up in bad choices that only lead to more bad choices that often result in a downward spiral that could have been prevented. If so, I want you to know it doesn't have to be this way. But if you really want to change, you have to be willing to let Him change your heart and stop chasing the things you think will make you happy. You can't change you all by yourself. He is the only One that can create in you something new... a new you that, years later, you hardly recognize.
Let that change begin today,
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." - 2 Corinthians 5:17
"Proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light" - 1 Peter 2:9b
Comments