Both my children arrived home yesterday evening for their Fall break from college. I'm glad to have them with me for a few days. I'm also glad to have their help with a few projects that have been put on hold... awaiting some assistance. As I sat this morning, journaling and giving thanks for their safe travels... enjoying having them sound asleep in their own beds, I came across some notes I took from a conversation I had weeks ago with a friend whose youngsters are quite younger than mine. That conversation was about connecting with your kids and the jist of our talk can be summed up in these words...
You don't have to quit your job or change your school or move to the farm (all things we did) to connect with your kids... but you do have to be intentional about leaving enough space in your schedule so they know that spending time with them is important. Car rides and quiet times are often when you are able to have meaningful conversations about the things competing to capture their young hearts and minds. Silly moments and spontaneous dance parties are when you get to have fun together. Even awkward times you share can create stories you laugh about over Thanksgiving Dinner. All I'm saying is... if we want to make the most of the time we have with our young people, we have to model for them what it looks like to leave room for the really important things.
We are often masters at teaching our children how to set their schedules to be successful, but do we talk about what success really even looks like? Do we help them explore the areas in which they really want to succeed? Or do we give them the bullet-point list of self-help strategies we learned from studying tips from successful people who we see as "crushing it" in their professional lives while their families are falling apart? I'm asking these questions of you because these are questions I once had to ask of myself. I could teach my kids how to jam pack their agendas with accomplishment and achievement related activities, but one day I came to the hard realization that medals and sashes alone won't satisfy. Only God will. And sometimes... He will let you accomplish things so you can see that accomplishment alone is not enough. Those were the days when I decided I wanted to teach my kids what winning really looks like.
I listened to a podcast yesterday where a mental health professional was counseling a mom struggling with parenting her fourteen-year-old son. After the call was over, the therapist gave some tips on ways to help our young people navigate their way toward young adulthood and I thought they were really good so I wanted to pass them along. His bulleted points are listed below and I will also post a link to the podcast in the comments in case you want to listen for yourself.
Connection: Find meaningful ways you can connect with your child
Contribution: Help them understand their value to the function of the home and family, They have to know they play a role and there are consequences to the family system they they don't participate.
Purpose: Help your child evaluate why they do what they do. LIfe is more than endless homework and crazy activity schedules.
Success: Catch them doing well outside of just accomplishing things. When they display character like showing love and concern for others, let them know how you felt about what you saw. Sometimes we feel that much of parenting young people involves catching them when they get out of line.
These were his notes and now I will add one more.
Model for them what it looks like to follow the Lord. This includes admitting when you have been wrong and asking for their forgiveness when necessary. Admit when your behavior has been inconsistent with the standards to which you have been holding them accountable. Love them enough to look at your own life and ask yourself if you would wish for them what you are so desperately trying to achieve. If not... let Him make the necessary changes in you so that your children have an example worth following. I'm not a perfect parent. I'm just trying to be better than I am. The only way I know how to do that... be better than I am... is to follow the only One who can lead me closer to Him and the life He has for me.
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