I was talking recently with a friend about my writing, my recent book, and all the things I feel I still have left to say in my heart; and my friend said to me... "That's awesome. Maybe you will eventually make enough income off your writing that you won't have to do all the other things you are doing now. That's the goal... right?" That was a great thought... and a great question... and after a moment of contemplative silence, my only response was, "I'm not sure... but I don't really think so."
I don't think God would have moved us to this place for me to get comfortable. Don't get me wrong... I would like to not have blowouts twice in one week. I would like to not get stuck in the mud for hours while I wait for a tractor to come and pull me out. I would like to have all new equipment that cranked every time I turned the key... to not have animals that double as escape artists... not sweat it out all summer long in the fields only to worry when winter comes. It would be nice to be comfortable. But the truth is... I know who I can be when I get comfortable and when my confidence comes from my accomplishments.
I also know who I am when I'm broken. I know who I am when I'm dependent. I know who I am when I have to rely on His sufficiency and provision. I like this person better. I think this is the goal of my life.
If flat tires and flinging mud give me material that points other people to Him... I'll take them. If caring for animals keeps me acutely aware of how He cares for me... I'll keep doing it. If loading nets and catching fish helps others find their way... I pray He would lead me, every day. I don't want to always worry about winter and wonder how "all things" will come together, but it reminds me of my total dependence on Him. For EVERYTHING. More than not worrying or wondering, I don't want to get to a place where I feel self-reliant... not seeking His will for ALL THINGS in my life. I've been there before and I can testify... that's no way to truly live. My current reality reminds me every day that I really can't make it through one single day on my own.
I'm learning, more and more, that my circumstances aren't as important as what I choose to do with them or how I choose to use them. And I pray, every day, God would give me...
Contentment in all things,
Contrition over my sin,
A willingness to endure whatever will grow
A heart that looks more like Him.
"But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ; and most of the brethren in the Lord, having become confident by my chains, are much more bold to speak the word without fear." - Philippians 1:12-14
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